opinion – Fundamental Shift

Balancing the Scales

How to handle resentment and unresolved issues!

It’s almost inevitable in any relationship even with yourself, to not have resentment that builds overtime. Most of the time it’s caused from unresolved issues. Either you’re not being heard, not speaking up, or just trying to ignore the issue. Over the course of your life you probably have more unresolved issues than you’d like to admit. (I know I did, hell still brewing a few) 😅 Nevertheless how do we start to solve the issues we aren’t even fully aware of? Problems always come from a much deeper place than just the surface. The only reason they go unresolved and build resentment is not being fully and consciously aware that they exist. So the question remains what can we do to resolve them and not let them cause havoc in our life? The answer is simple although it’s not easy.

ASK MORE QUESTIONS…

Say you’re irritable and taking your frustrations out on your significant other. (Subconsciously) you end up punishing yourself. However, you’re not really focused on finding out why you’re upset, There’s an internal part of you ( your subconscious) that’s always working against you. I’ve learned to listen more to my heart than my mind, but in order to do this, I have to remain very self aware. I’ve taken the time and effort to discover myself at my core and understand the why behind the why…. I’ve figured out all my triggers, all my deepest frustrations, my patterns, my core values and my BS which is what I call my (belief system).

I learned how to become neutral to others and their beliefs, not let them upset me or affect me as much. I did this by asking more and more questions about the thoughts I had and my language patterns. Changed what I did not like with habitual behavior and started to accept all of my flaws and imperfections and love who I am. Truth be told if we’re ok and can accept these flaws then these things are only a problem for others to accept. Just don’t change who you are to please others, because that only leaves you feeling unworthy and insignificant to whoever you rely on for emotional support.

Balancing the scales — Download a list of fundamental values

Resentment is created from our resistance!

When we aren’t even honest with ourselves half the time how are we supposed to be honest with each other? More often than not we tell ourselves little white lies from our subconscious, just so we can feel better about the person we are and the decisions that we make. You’d have be a freaking saint if you’ve never done anything, that later you felt ashamed of, at least once in your life, right? I think we’ve all been there. So going back to that feeling of shame and guilt, allow that feeling to exist within you. If you just sit with yourself and allow yourself to feel the sadness and regret for a few minutes. By doing this unique method our body, mind and spirit realign and balances out the scales within the universe. Otherwise not taking the time to “deal” with that emotion only creates resistance within us at our core and our subconscious.

Fundamental Core Values

We know at our core that what we did we should be ashamed of because of our belief system (which can be changed btw). However, now because we didn’t take that time of pain and discomfort (as our subconscious knows we should be punished for the shame), it now creates our own self destruction path because it is still trying to resist that feeling of shame. It’s now an internal conflict that creates a punishment within ourselves. This is why it’s so very vitally important that we work out these core values of ours and make sure the decisions we make align us with who we are at our core self. Having these core values allows us to really discover who we are fundamentally and why.

Generational Trauma: A New Perspective

What is generational trauma?

When we have internal emotional pain we find ways to cope with that pain that can hurt ourselves as well as others. Everytime, I hurt people I was just reacting to my own internal pain. I was struggling with my own self worth. I was defending myself because I felt it was necessary, only because of the way I’d been conditioned to think about certain situations.

So many of us live in cycles of projecting our generational trauma onto other people. It never goes well when we do that! No one wins especially not you. The people in your path are also punished or hurt, although that is never the intention, and most of the time we don’t even understand those subconscious feelings that have went un-resolved all those years.

What are symptoms of generational trauma?
👉Low self esteem
👉Depression
👉Anxiety
👉Insomnia
👉Anger
👉Self destructive behaviors
👉Fear

👉Everyday is a battle against yourself…
👉Am I good enough?
👉Can I really do this ?
👉You have thoughts like “what was i thinking”?

Who is most affected by generational trauma?

Anyone can be affected by generational trauma, most don’t even realize they are affected until we dig a little deeper. Being systematically exploited, enduring repeated and continual abuse mentally, emotionally or physically, racism, and poverty are all traumatic enough to cause genetic changes.

Knowing what aligns with who you are and what you know to be is key to being able to see your own truth. If you know that you are amazing and can achieve your goals then understand your own awareness of what others may project onto you. Being conscious of your thoughts and why you believe something to be true is essential.

Generational trauma is a traumatic event that began prior to the current individuals generation and has impacted the way someone understands, copes with and lives their life.

It’s up to you to change Generational narratives;
when they tell you “this runs in the family”, you tell them; “This is where it runs out.” When they say we’ve always been this way, you say “well not anymore, it’s time for a change”.

Do your thoughts really belong to you, or are they other people’s thoughts? We as a society have been in a certain environment our whole lives and what we hear actually becomes what we begin to believe ourselves. So it’s definitely important to understand which thoughts are yours and which ones came from other people doubting you!

As you’ve noticed we live in such a negative environment with chaos and fear all around us. Do you think what you believe is only because of what is socially acceptable by others.

Or is it something you believe and why? We need to uncover our own truth so your not fighting yourself all the time as to what the right thing is . Becoming aware of your values and beliefs are vital in aligning your thoughts with your core.

You have a chance to break the cycle of passing sadness and that traumatized childhood onto your child. Don’t we all deserve better from each other? Children really are put under so much more pressure these days just because of how much our parents messed us up and unknowingly we are doing the same thing to our kids.

How we deal with things make all the difference.

I noticed the other day that I was just a little irritated at my 3 year old, (Sometimes moms’ just need a break) and I caught myself snapping at her. She was only repeating a question cause I hadn’t answered her but it annoyed me.

Before I knew it I was on my knees hugging her because I scared her when I raised my voice and she began to cry. I also realized, I do that more than I’d like to admit. Right then and there I made a promise to myself to fight the irritability, take a moment when needed and become more patient and explain things in a more clearer way so she wouldn’t ever have to feel that rejected hurt and tone in my voice. See small changes like this can make a world of difference for generations to come.

Do you feel like you are alone in the world? That nobody is really there for you? Maybe you are really independent and you pride yourself on that, but deep down, you are afraid of depending on anyone because it might make you look or feel weak?

Do you sometimes wonder why you’re not happier? Do you look around you, and see other people who seem to have some secret ingredient in life that you lack? Do you sometimes feel empty, alone, or unfulfilled deep down? Like you have this barrier between you and everyone else and you are always on the outside looking in?

I study social psychology and I have found this pattern of struggles in people. It’s a pattern that no one talks about.

In fact, it’s so invisible that there’s no universal term to name it or describe it. So i call it what it is Childhood emotional disconnect or (CED) and I want to help you become aware of what it actually is. Even the best and most loving parents can fail their children in this way.

Many are simply raising their children the way they were raised themselves, unaware that they are failing to provide a crucial ingredient to their growing child. This is part of what makes CED so invisible. But the message that you get as a child is: Your Feelings Don’t Matter.

And since our emotions are the most deeply personal and biological part of who we are, we hear this message as,

“You don’t matter.”

So, you adapt to keep your parents happy, and you push your feelings down and away, so that they won’t bother anyone. That strategy works well for you as a child, but as an adult, you start to notice that you feel numb or empty.

You have a hard time relating to other people and expressing yourself. You may have difficulty knowing what you want or what you need or what you feel. You may even feel ashamed for having feelings and needs, and get angry at your own mistakes, or for simply being human.

Another way that parents can unwittingly emotionally neglect their child is to fail to give him the structure and rules to live by, like consequences and discipline. As a result, the emotionally neglected often struggle with self-discipline as adults.

Whatever the level of parental failure, the emotionally neglected have no childhood memories to explain their difficulties. So, too often, they blame themselves. To this day, Emotional Neglect has been overlooked. Because it’s invisible, unmemorable, and the absence of something (emotional validation).

It has been greatly overshadowed by more visible, but also worthy topics, like childhood events, abuse, or trauma.

My goal is to shine a light on this powerful but invisible force. To give people a common language to talk about it, and to offer an explanation to the scores of people who are suffering in silence, wondering what is wrong with them. Understanding the issue can better help you to deal with it in a more healthy way. Addressing these issues emotionally lets you put the pieces together that make you whole.

Worthy

Being good enough is more or so based on what you feel is your worthiness. We often judge ourselves too harshly and this results in a less confident self image. If you feel like your life has no meaning or you aren’t valued then chances are you don’t have a purpose. When you have a purpose then you feel worthy of the life you were given. Becoming more than you are enables you to become more of the person you were meant to be.

One of the things people ask me quite often is how do I find my purpose? The answer is always this “You find you’re purpose when you become fulfilled.” Becoming fulfilled means accepting all that you are all that you’ve ever been and the fact that you can do more with yourself and your life if that’s really what you want. They’re are very few people that find that fulfilment, that is absolutely blissful , however the ones that do happen to work everyday to keep that mind-space open.

It takes extreme discipline to feel the worthiness that most people crave and yearn for. Most people never really get to live up to their own worthiness because the discipline it takes to get there is just to hard for them to keep trying. So the lesson here is the best things in life are worth it if you think it’s worth it. Sometimes we fake it till we make it, meaning we pretend to be happy until it becomes real. So telling yourself you’re amazing everyday, eventually you start to believe it then it becomes true.

It’s easy to get distracted or pulled off course and out of your comfort zone. That’s where the most accomplished dreams are met, in the sea of uncertainty. Once you experience that freedom you get when you just let go of all the “what if’s” and “I don’t knows” and just enjoy the experience. That’s really where all the joyous times in your life happen, when you’re just simply experiencing life. If you are completely consumed by life instead of directing and producing your own story then you will end up missing out on your life.

Make sure to surround yourself with people that appreciate the value you bring to the table. Also find the things that make you feel good like helping others and being a good person when it counts. Get on the good side of Karma and you will be rewarded. Most importantly make sure you’re giving yourself credit where credit is due, and celebrate your wins. If you do something you should be proud of then make sure you take that moment to pat yourself on the back. You don’t have to judge yourself so hard, nor try for perfection because some thing are just enough.

10 Things you can do to feel more Worthy

Help others
Be proud of your accomplishments
Do more for others in your life
Donate your time or money to a good cause
Surround yourself with appreciative people
Write a book to help someone else
Do something worth wild and unexpected
Go on a trip
Create a community or a following with your knowledge
Tell yourself daily that you are worthy

The Need For Validation

You may feel like you need the approval of others when really you don’t. Accepting yourself flaws and all are very powerful and eliminate the need for validation. Your flaws are actually only flaws to others, maybe you’ve been told you’re too big or have a big head. So now you think your head is too big for your body. Truth is if you can accept it for the way it is then it’s no longer a problem.

man in brown coat and gray backpack posing for a photo — What is your opinion of yourself?

Something you should probably be more conscious of is why do you need validation? If other people’s opinion about you affects your own opinion, then try and figure out why. Is it because you are a people pleaser, or you just like the feeling of acceptance? Either way understanding why will help you to change it. Chances are you just want to be accepted but if you can accept yourself 100% then other people’s opinion of you won’t bother you. Then you’ll no longer find yourself changing who you are to fit someone else’s narrative.

Finding out what about yourself is your own opinion or someone elses is also very important. My advice would be to figure out all the things you like or don’t like about yourself then ask why. If you ask why and get an answer that isn’t “because Jamie told me so” or “well my mother always said” and it’s legitly because of your own formed opinion then you can choose to change it or accept it. I’d just accept it because you have to remember we’re not perfect and there’s no such thing.

Trying to please others just ends up with you being sad all the time. You have to find a way that you can be happy even if that means others are unhappy. We simply can not please everyone especially if in the end you’re the one that’s sad. Sometimes we compromise for others even though they aren’t willing to do the same for us. This is called people pleasing and it’s a bad habit. It’s ok to sacrifice for others that are willing to do the same for you but the others will just end up a dissapointment.

When you realize just how much you depend on others opinion, it can be quite scary to know you’re putting your happiness in their hands that often. It’s no wonder we are so unhappy, when we are making it someone else’s responsibility to make us happy. You really should never give someone else that much control over how you feel about yourself. So what if they think you are bossy or opinionated or shy, remember that’s only their opinion and that doesn’t make it a fact. It definitely doesn’t mean it’s something you have to accept as your truth.

We change and evolve constantly and so will our own opinion of oneself. We will adapt and adjust as we grow and learn to fit our own narrative. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not because of someone else’s judgment.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.
Steve Jobs